It's always good to catch up with a friend. What makes it even better is when he finally tells you something that you've known all along.
A few weeks ago, I caught up with a friend who has always reminded me of Oscar Wilde, and who (surprisingly) has always passionately defended Oscar Wilde. Over our grilled barramundis and glasses of Sauvignon Blanc, he said in passing, "When I turned 26 I decided I was gay."
While I didn't pretend to be surprised, I asked him, "What made you come to that decision?"
His answer -- though heavily ensconsed in the fact that his wife left him for another man -- was undeniably simple, "I experimented with women, then I experimented with men, and I decided that I liked men better."
Coming from a man who was married for seven years prior to 'becoming' gay, I couldn't help but think about the age old Nature vs Nurture debate about homosexuality. Are you born gay, or do you become gay as a result of your consciousness and your environment?
An old bisexual friend of mine said that she simply 'knew' she leaned both ways from a very young age. She grew up feeling attracted to men, women, and the people in between and she knew right then and there that she was bisexual. Lesbian friends of mine have vouched for that fact too. One girl in particular grew up playing with GI Joes instead of Barbies and would rather gallivant around the sand than play house. She found herself attracted to her female school mates, did everything that initiated her into the lesbian society, and did not turn her back to that since. She knew from the very beginning that she was lesbian.
But what about the people who decide to become gay? Such people are used by many religious anti-homosexuality groups as examples that gay-ness is not natural. For them, the fact that these people consciously decide to become gay is proof that homosexuality is not in-borne, but is rather cultivated within a person's psyche. To them, the position that homosexuality is natural is an abomination, perhaps even a blasphemy against the sanctity of God.
What about people who were born with two sets of genitals? Or people who are born with an extreme type of Androgen Deficiency Syndrome? People who are afflicted with the rarest and most extreme type of this condition are apparently internally male (ie they have testes instead of ovaries, etc) but are unable to respond to testosterone, hence causing them to develop as women. (It has been alleged by a Medical Lecturer that Nicole Kidman and Jamie Lee Curtis suffer from this condition. The truth of this allegation remains unproven). Will these people be considered gay too?
The line is clearly difficult to draw. When does nature's role end and when does nurture's begin? Is it the other way around? Or do nature and nurture overlap to such an extent that it is unfeasible to separate the two?
Tell me your thoughts.
When the marriage contract is a cynical worthless sham, when divorce for a lot of women is either relatively painless or consequence-free, then marriage can become a one-stop shop to self-fulfilment and divorce a career move.
- Bob Geldof
In the number of interviews that I've gone for, I've been asked each time as to which areas of law I feel inclined to practise in. My answer always stemmed from my past experience with Equal Opportunity and Employment Law, stating in effect that I don't mind working in Employment Law, nor do I mind working in Commercial Law. However, as a result of watching Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore in that sexy divorce-lawyer comedy Laws of Attraction, I felt myself being drawn into Family Law and the pseudo-glamour of divorce. As a result, I've had one too many chitchats with people who were more than happy to chip in their two cents about this highly controversial area of law.
The lawyer I work for in particular, is highly opinionated about family law and the lawyers who work in that field. In essence, he states, "If you want to practise in Family Law, you must either be a lesbian, or a bitch."
Given that I am neither, he hopes that I will never become a desensitised female lawyer who views all men as mysoginistic and is out to sever all ties between fathers and their children. "Fathers should not be punished for working long hours away from their families," he said. "They have equal rights to their children and are as equally capable to care for the kids as their estranged wives."
To most men, the children and the wife are a package deal. Say goodbye to the wife, say goodbye to the children. Clearly this situation is of a matter of concern in the sense that it effectively undermines the importance, and the relevance, of the father in post-separation parenting. As Bob Geldof wrote, "The law is currently heavily weighted in favour of women...The law believes that the interests of the child are nearly always best served by the presence of the mother."
It is submitted that it is not always in the best interests of the child to be raised solely by the mother. There have been a number of debates about how women, after successfully divorcing their husbands and obtaining full custody of their children, have simply used paid child care rather than care for their children themselves. They deny all contact of the children with their father, extort Child Support from the father, and live off that money rather than using it to raise the child. The "selfish mother", as they are called, take custody of the children as a function of their contempt for the father rather than as an exercise of care. Only in rare exceptional circumstances will a man be allowed to raise his children and there has been little documentation as to what constitutes these rare "exceptional circumstances."
Based on the papers, the talks, and the general circumstances surrounding these family law issues, it is no surprise that women have been hardened throughout the years and that lawyers in that field have become desensitised to the magnitude and significance of human emotion. If all there is are disputes, if all there is are finger-pointing, and if it is always the woman who is clearly more capable of nurturing a family, it is no real wonder why there exists a perception that in order to be a family lawyer, one has to either be a lesbian, or a bitch.
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
In the last few months of listening to relationship stories, I have come to the conclusion that people are capable of loving other people to the extent of completely disregarding their own selves. Sleepless nights, endless worrying, and the act of forgiving in spite of the constant pain -- these all demonstrate the things that people go through in the name of love. I find myself constantly amazed by the capacity of the human soul to love, or to even communicate this form of affection. I find myself even more amazed at the resiliency of the human heart in the face of incredible adversity. They say love moves mountains; but I believe love can turn the world upside down. It can even draw blood out of the coldest stone.
