.

2007-03-21T15:57:00.000+11:00

It's always good to catch up with a friend. What makes it even better is when he finally tells you something that you've known all along.

A few weeks ago, I caught up with a friend who has always reminded me of Oscar Wilde, and who (surprisingly) has always passionately defended Oscar Wilde. Over our grilled barramundis and glasses of Sauvignon Blanc, he said in passing, "When I turned 26 I decided I was gay."

While I didn't pretend to be surprised, I asked him, "What made you come to that decision?"

His answer -- though heavily ensconsed in the fact that his wife left him for another man -- was undeniably simple, "I experimented with women, then I experimented with men, and I decided that I liked men better."

Coming from a man who was married for seven years prior to 'becoming' gay, I couldn't help but think about the age old Nature vs Nurture debate about homosexuality. Are you born gay, or do you become gay as a result of your consciousness and your environment?

An old bisexual friend of mine said that she simply 'knew' she leaned both ways from a very young age. She grew up feeling attracted to men, women, and the people in between and she knew right then and there that she was bisexual. Lesbian friends of mine have vouched for that fact too. One girl in particular grew up playing with GI Joes instead of Barbies and would rather gallivant around the sand than play house. She found herself attracted to her female school mates, did everything that initiated her into the lesbian society, and did not turn her back to that since. She knew from the very beginning that she was lesbian.

But what about the people who decide to become gay? Such people are used by many religious anti-homosexuality groups as examples that gay-ness is not natural. For them, the fact that these people consciously decide to become gay is proof that homosexuality is not in-borne, but is rather cultivated within a person's psyche. To them, the position that homosexuality is natural is an abomination, perhaps even a blasphemy against the sanctity of God.

What about people who were born with two sets of genitals? Or people who are born with an extreme type of Androgen Deficiency Syndrome? People who are afflicted with the rarest and most extreme type of this condition are apparently internally male (ie they have testes instead of ovaries, etc) but are unable to respond to testosterone, hence causing them to develop as women. (It has been alleged by a Medical Lecturer that Nicole Kidman and Jamie Lee Curtis suffer from this condition. The truth of this allegation remains unproven). Will these people be considered gay too?

The line is clearly difficult to draw. When does nature's role end and when does nurture's begin? Is it the other way around? Or do nature and nurture overlap to such an extent that it is unfeasible to separate the two?

Tell me your thoughts.

2007-03-03T14:39:00.000+11:00

When the marriage contract is a cynical worthless sham, when divorce for a lot of women is either relatively painless or consequence-free, then marriage can become a one-stop shop to self-fulfilment and divorce a career move.
- Bob Geldof

In the number of interviews that I've gone for, I've been asked each time as to which areas of law I feel inclined to practise in. My answer always stemmed from my past experience with Equal Opportunity and Employment Law, stating in effect that I don't mind working in Employment Law, nor do I mind working in Commercial Law. However, as a result of watching Pierce Brosnan and Julianne Moore in that sexy divorce-lawyer comedy Laws of Attraction, I felt myself being drawn into Family Law and the pseudo-glamour of divorce. As a result, I've had one too many chitchats with people who were more than happy to chip in their two cents about this highly controversial area of law.

The lawyer I work for in particular, is highly opinionated about family law and the lawyers who work in that field. In essence, he states, "If you want to practise in Family Law, you must either be a lesbian, or a bitch."

Given that I am neither, he hopes that I will never become a desensitised female lawyer who views all men as mysoginistic and is out to sever all ties between fathers and their children. "Fathers should not be punished for working long hours away from their families," he said. "They have equal rights to their children and are as equally capable to care for the kids as their estranged wives."

To most men, the children and the wife are a package deal. Say goodbye to the wife, say goodbye to the children. Clearly this situation is of a matter of concern in the sense that it effectively undermines the importance, and the relevance, of the father in post-separation parenting. As Bob Geldof wrote, "The law is currently heavily weighted in favour of women...The law believes that the interests of the child are nearly always best served by the presence of the mother."

It is submitted that it is not always in the best interests of the child to be raised solely by the mother. There have been a number of debates about how women, after successfully divorcing their husbands and obtaining full custody of their children, have simply used paid child care rather than care for their children themselves. They deny all contact of the children with their father, extort Child Support from the father, and live off that money rather than using it to raise the child. The "selfish mother", as they are called, take custody of the children as a function of their contempt for the father rather than as an exercise of care. Only in rare exceptional circumstances will a man be allowed to raise his children and there has been little documentation as to what constitutes these rare "exceptional circumstances."

Based on the papers, the talks, and the general circumstances surrounding these family law issues, it is no surprise that women have been hardened throughout the years and that lawyers in that field have become desensitised to the magnitude and significance of human emotion. If all there is are disputes, if all there is are finger-pointing, and if it is always the woman who is clearly more capable of nurturing a family, it is no real wonder why there exists a perception that in order to be a family lawyer, one has to either be a lesbian, or a bitch.

2007-03-01T13:40:00.000+11:00

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

In the last few months of listening to relationship stories, I have come to the conclusion that people are capable of loving other people to the extent of completely disregarding their own selves. Sleepless nights, endless worrying, and the act of forgiving in spite of the constant pain -- these all demonstrate the things that people go through in the name of love. I find myself constantly amazed by the capacity of the human soul to love, or to even communicate this form of affection. I find myself even more amazed at the resiliency of the human heart in the face of incredible adversity. They say love moves mountains; but I believe love can turn the world upside down. It can even draw blood out of the coldest stone.

2007-02-23T22:48:00.000+11:00

I haven't written in so long sometimes I wonder if I still know how to.

2007-02-13T22:49:00.000+11:00

Previously on Desperate Housewives...

With my recent falling in love with the hit TV series Desperate Housewives, I immersed myself in the lives of these amusing women and attempted to obtain inputs from various people as to which housewife is the best. While most agree that Lynette is one of the better (albeit not as pretty) characters, there was a common dislike for Susan and her faux vulnerability.

While I also knew that I liked Susan the least, I couldn't come to a decision as to which housewife I liked best. I tossed between Bree, Lynette, Gabrielle, and Edie and in the end, came up with this list:

1st place: Bree - for being superwife, pseudo-supermum, and supergorgeous wife and mum;
2nd place: Lynette - for being ambitious, career-driven, and filling every uncomfortable situation with the famous Lynette chuckle;
3rd place: Gabrielle - for being hot, having the best clothes, and a gorgeous car;
4th place: Edie - for being a WYSIWYG kickass woman ("Too little, too late, bitch!");
Last place: Susan - for being a klutz.

My love for Desperate Housewives drove me to take the online quiz one quiet evening, and while I desperately hoped that I would be a Bree, I obtained this result instead:

I suppose it's just as well. I do have a boy as lovely as Tom Scavo, and he likes to IM too.

2007-02-10T16:58:00.000+11:00

"It is profitless to imagine a hypothetical world in which men no longer organise themselves in groups for purposes of conflict."

Edward Carr

close your eyes. perhaps it was never real.

They say the international dispute resolution system is ineffective and the UN is a toothless organisation which hides behind its diplomacy and bureaucracy. I used to think otherwise.

Now my thoughts have somewhat turned. The recent discovery of the UN's action (or inaction) in relation to Rwanda and the shooting down of President Habyarimana has made me realise that not only is the UN toothless, it can also no longer apply moral principles if doing so will compromise the interests of its most important members.

2006-10-24T14:48:00.001+10:00

if life was placed in perspective, she believed -- believes -- that the healthy outlook would be to view one's significance in light of one's own insignificance. perhaps life would be kinder then.

2006-10-10T13:30:00.000+10:00

i am such a fashion don't.

earlier today i was feeling peckish and started moseying around town. i stumbled across this chinese store with a wide array of sweets and preserved fruits. knowing my weakness for the taiwanese preserved plums and the sugared tamarinds, i instantly grabbed a bag and filled it up with chilli sour tamarinds and sugared tamarinds. i walked out of the store and picked up one and popped it into my mouth. i made my way to the tram stop, waiting for that electric creation to take me home. people were looking at me funny .. but meh, people look at me funny most of the time anyway. later this lady tapped me on the shoulder and with an amused smile, said, "you have sugar on your nose."

shocked, i instantly lifted my hand to wipe off the evidence of my gluttony. "omigod, that's embarrassing," i managed to say. she let out a laugh filled with so much amusement that i couldn't help smiling myself. the tram arrived and she stepped up onto it with me trailing behind before i made my way down the aisle to snag a seat.

that incident made me think again of how much of a fashion don't i really am. caught with sugar on your nose is a big no no. and need we even get into the concept of VPLs? i must admit i can never bring myself to comfortably wear those incredible things called G-strings ... and yet i love hip (and therefore ass) hugging skirts and pants which require the donning of, you guessed it, g-strings. how can i reconcile my love for hip-hugging bottom-wear with my distaste for the proper underwear? perhaps i should just not ... care?

what about hair? i reckon i have frizzy unmanagable and just naturally messy hair. indeed one of the reasons why i decided to have my hair cut shorter was because i was starting to look more and more like a lion each day. given how wide my face is, lion hair is another big no-no. and now that my hair is considerably shorter, i look like a frickin 16-year-old. i look younger than my younger sister. and my boy has joked about how people might think he's a paedophile everytime we walk around the streets together.

what to do..?

2006-10-02T23:03:00.000+10:00

_{you can slide slide, slippity slide .. you can hiphop and don't stop cuz i'll never be .. on my knees ..}

Sometimes I find myself out of stories to tell. As if there exists a gap from the brain to the fingers. Sometimes I sit there and feel like I have the world to share but when I open my mouth nothing comes out. So I look up, around, and below -- wondering why the world vanished or if it simply became too big to retain.

Sometimes I feel like I've aged ten thousand years, only to find that I still breathe of fairytales and coloured roses.

Sometimes I see kaleidoscopes and shooting stars. And when I sleep I see bright lights streaming through the window. Then I dream of touching ivory keys and letting musical notes dance around on tiptoe. I remember letting a song ring out in silence, dreaming of change and stepping out to humid darkness. Poorly paved roads awaited and I skipped through puddles to quench the fire. I lived on anger and morality. Justice and equality. I was ready to disappear.

Yet tonight I sat on him while he roused from his sleep. I tossed Filipino words and he caught them with his tongue. His hand rested on my leg, and my palm lay on his chest. Brains were racked, words committed to memory. Dreams were shared. Dinners, wine, music. Suddenly life was there. Suddenly I was no longer ready to disappear. And suddenly our souls were wielded in gold.

You're here, I'm pleased. I really dig your company.
Your style, your smile, your peace mentality
Lord, have mercy on me...

Heed those angels and take those wings. Sometimes it's okay to have your head above the clouds.

2006-09-19T18:43:00.000+10:00

i remember watching him with glazed eyes and realizing that this was the man i could see the entirety of my life with.

a great musician said that love is the soul of genius. and this man...is the soul of genius.

&

"This is what guys like about you. You're always ready to smile, and laugh..."

i sat there with hands squeezed. listening to the words that the night whispered. i remember feeling lost, and yet secure. street lights passed through my head and the roads lay still. i remember taking in the serenity of the moment. thinking of times that filled me with this unexplainable warmth -- a warmth that i can associate with those nights when we'd all sit around in a dark corner of the bar with no name. blending with the cigarettes and voices. people chatting and giggling over nothingness. a rock steady group. laughing over threesomes and foursomes, cartoon and film. just being random really.

and that weekend with the fanny and the willy. the beautiful house. the scavenger hunt. the last minute barbecue. and the movies that followed. it was another night that filled me with fuzzy bubbles. i don't understand why people have such an effect on me. why they can pull me to such great heights to the point that sometimes i can't even express how much i appreciate them.. how much i [love] them.. and how much i adore life because they're in it.

i get all weird like this sometimes. and i get all happy especially after an afternoon with a friend, catching up over coffee, scouting weird people along brunswick street, and getting all excited about upcoming events. i did miss this. i hope i don't forget all this.

2006-08-25T00:48:00.000+10:00

Sometimes she listened. Sometimes she let music sing those songs for her. Sometimes she's so tired she can't even sleep. And sometimes she'd wonder if she's going about life the way she should.

So she says, and she reads, and she realizes.

And that night a beep in her home, waking her up from her slumber: "ad b lyn if i said am ok. My heart is cried out 4 j."

What was it that Keith Sweat sung? ...

2006-08-14T22:53:00.000+10:00

You got a fast car. But is it enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision --
You leave tonight or live and die this way

Death hits closer and closer each time. And until today, I still struggle to find out how and why it's such a devil to control...

2006-08-09T14:27:00.000+10:00

Hectic semester. That phrase is so apt to describe my current situation. I've always been a stresser but sometimes the desire to reduce stress is in itself a source of stress. What a mouthful. Sleeplessness is impinging upon my coherence. But then again I've never been completely coherent. I have never structured my thoughts in a manner whereby the flow appears to be completely logical and infallible.

The profession that appears to be before me is an analytical and communicative discipline. One that requires articulation and eloquence. If I am unable to even verbalize my ideas, if I am unable to even...string my thoughts together...

Bah. I just need sleep.

2006-07-30T20:58:00.000+10:00

Isn't it strange how sometimes you can feel as if you've lost yourself. And yet you can feel so oh completely whole.

- Drink up baby doll | Are you in or are you out? | Leave your things behind | 'Cause it's all going off without you -

Almost at the two month mark, yet here I am again. Life has been interesting (if not different) with contentment whispering by my side. I'm not as fussed nor am I as aggravated. Health issues still overcome me and disappointment has never been too far away. But I'm learning I'm learning and my Pillar of strength has never failed me.

People come and people go. Yet now and again I find myself returning to the things that I hold dear. Time is sometimes a catalyst for change yet time can also remind us of the beauty of returning to the familiar. To relive those days gone past. To listen to those songs we used to sing. To feel those emotions that used to define who we are...

- You know you are my lover | You got me twisted over you -

I do find that I am at a loss for words. Walking through Picasso the other day, a girlfriend told me that I should write again. That I should not lose the creativity in me. That I should not let my gift go to waste. I couldn't help but agree. I've always lamented at how my writing no longer holds any magic even for myself. Yet I find that life just has too many demands, too many requirements. And the need to conform overpowers the need to be. Life sometimes means pleasing those who must be pleased. It sometimes means letting go of ideas, of dreams, of wishes, just to take one more step forward.

Perhaps. Perhaps the world has taken its toll. And perhaps even age places a layer of fog over our eyes. Do I bewail the loss of my youth. The loss of my dreams. The loss of what I would like to believe as my unbound spirit. I don't really know. Because even though I feel so completely different from who I used to be. Even though I no longer feel that burning within my soul. I can't imagine being anyone. or anything. but me.

Strange isn't it. How I feel like I've faded away. And yet. I don't really mind.

- Sweet how we see the big picture when your life's not on the line | I know the way but do you see what I see | A tortured life always second guessing the bookie | No one ever said it was going to be easy -

_{To another month.}

2006-06-01T21:19:00.000+10:00

Silence. Silence. It's been a while and sometimes I feel like I'm losing my grip on what used to make me who I am. But days have been catching up to me. Work has been piling up. And the future, albeit disheartening, can still be fairly bright so long as I choose not to see those silent clouds.

There are a few things that I must learn to take to heart. One: that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Two: that I should not force myself to be someone I'm not. Three: that life will throw many people along my way and it is not always up to me to ensure that they stay.

I just know I have many people to thank for my life right now. The crew who made it for that wonderful Egyptian night. The people who fill my days and nights with laughter. The awesome barbecue. The dancing. Funny thing is, even though life seems to be kicking off, sometimes I still do feel left out in the dark. Perhaps my new found status has made me somehow inaccessible. Life feels more exciting when you're a free spirit. But at the same time it can get pretty lonely.

I will blog again soon. I can never keep away from you guys and from this crazy habit called writing.

I <3 yous.

2006-05-03T21:35:00.000+10:00

the hermit stage has reached breaking point. i think i have a tendency of neglecting friends and family when i'm downright stressed. i really shouldn't be.

i think i have learned many lessons in the past few weeks. lessons about people, life, love, even. perhaps even about friends. career worries have been eating at me most of all. it still amazes me how my thoughts can become reality. how one minute i can be completely and utterly paranoid and the next, my paranoia will have manifested itself before me. a sad email. a hurtful word. it broke me down to tears -- the drama queen that i am.

were it not for sway, for vic, for the people who make me realize that life is worth it... thank you. thank you sete, bu, chinoise. thank you mum, dad, sha. thank you girlfriend, thank you fanny, thank you oh and amy.

perhaps one of the warmest moments that turned me to fudge was seeing my sister and my mother smile at him so genuinely. to welcome him as if he is worthy. perhaps he is worthy...

and perhaps one of the most beautiful moments was when he sat across the table in that dimly lit place. he clasped both hands and, tilting his arms, rested his cheek on the side of one arm. "don't be concerned," he said quietly, soothingly, with a hint of a smile on his lips. i glanced away, trying not to let the moment wash me to that torrent sea. and yet there are times when i'd find myself smiling, thinking about how he'd marvel at the food and exclaim in that soft way of his how awesome everything looked.

perhaps it's tosca carrying me away. perhaps it's his refinery. or his ipod (which is playing right now). perhaps it's his mannerisms and his intellect. whatever it is, i'm swept. off my feet. and placed onto this gently swaying boat. stable and secure. gliding over calm waters. lazing through a quiet breeze.

whatever it is. whatever it is.

2006-04-22T23:10:00.000+10:00

Your Theme Song is Beautiful Day by U2

"Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away"

You see the beauty in life, especially in ordinary everyday moments.
And if you're feeling down, even that seems a little beautiful too.

What's Your Theme Song?

Boys can be such idiots sometimes. Here is a message sent to me on the stroke of midnight Thursday night:

Him: Secret time -- I want you.

As soon as I read it, I felt so bloody annoyed and didn't bother replying. The next morning another message came in, from the same guy.

Him: Sorry. Last night. Dumb. Drunk. Stupid thing to say. Eek.

And I didn't reply again because, good god what am I supposed to say? That was completely out of line. And so later that night, another message.

Him: Sorry if I freaked you out...

At that point I was out with a few people and once again, couldn't be bothered to type a message back. So later that night, him again!

Him: Hey are you awake? Can I call you?

ARGHHH.

The Movie Of Your Life Is An Indie Flick

You do things your own way - and it's made for colorful times.
Your life hasn't turned out how anyone expected, thank goodness!

Your best movie matches: Clerks, Garden State, Napoleon Dynamite

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

A few nights ago Garden State was playing in the background but none of us even paid attention to it. Chatting was getting in the way. Words bounced off the walls. And I was just quietly happy. Til I remembered that night when the girlfriend and I made our way down to Hell's again because she wanted to get sloshed. Lo and behold he arrived with a friend and I instantly felt sick. I wanted to throw up and I wasn't sure if it was because of him or because I had one too many pints of poison. She brought me out for air. And soon we sat out in the balcony, freezing our toes off, and she was breathing from that tin filled with rollies. We fell asleep to Monty Python : The Meaning of Life and woke up the next day to a disappearing car. 275 dollars poorer later, we were back out on the streets. She in a wedding ceremony and me sipping tea. Sway filled me in on stories and that last hug made me realize how much I missed her. Walking back in the rain, the phone rang and he was standing with his hands in his pocket. He smiled that gentle amused smile which created a flutter and the wind chilled between us.

A few hours later jazz was playing and we were all sitting on a table trying to be classy. The girlfriend bought two vanilla cigars. Ponytail bought another from Nicaragua. And I managed to convince the waiter to give me more champagne. After great success, we tried to look like the mafia. Me to no avail cuz I couldn't look serious. Them cracking from the pressure. But the cigars made them relax somewhat. And though it was quiet, it was quietly fun. Later I crawled into bed and tried to sleep twenty years. Seven hours later I was awake .. wondering what the day had in store for another ordinary girl like me.

Seven hours later, four rejection letters were received.

And seven hours later I was mentally kicking myself for slacking off too much this week.

2006-04-20T22:01:00.000+10:00

slip of the tongue. rainy days. cold nights. when the wind blew her cares away. it was a strange feeling. warm and yet undeniably cool.

there will always be someone out there whom another will find special. it's all about complementing differences. or perhaps the realization that differences don't matter because they may be overcome. a clash in opinion. a change in thoughts. and yet in the end an acceptance that everybody's human.

sleepless brain stringing random words to describe the intensity of a moment. alone, yes. but not lonely. perhaps this is it...

And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
Cause i love you, no?
Can't help but love, you know...

2006-04-12T08:15:00.000+10:00

Alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effect of intoxication, but the only proper intoxication is conversation.

Oscar Wilde

Yesterday for Innocence I came across post mortem photos of a man shot in the head. They were gruesome. Nothing I have never seen in the movies before. But the reality of the photos made them so much more intense. I remember gasping when I saw them. My groupmate let out an amused chuckle at the girliness of my reaction. But I must admit it placed a whole new dimension to the phrase "cold-blooded murder." These photos had such a chilling reality about them. It being so matter-of-fact, and so brutal at the same time. The normalcy of brutality. The dumbing down of cruelty. Need I say more...

It is a big bad world out there. We all know it. But the extent of our belief I can't really say. I think we need to experience something before we can fully realize its significance and its unseverable consequences. Just because we are who we are doesn't exempt us from the exigencies of life. We are all equally vulnerable, all equally susceptible to the big bad surprises that life may throw our way. It's not a very comforting thought. But a moderate amount of discomfort can never be a bad thing...

2006-04-07T17:25:00.000+10:00

Just another nerdy rant.

I so hate Constitutional Law. How can you argue that a law is Constitutionally valid or not when all the reasons that the great judges of the High Court come up with all seem to be so subjective?

My mind's just not sophisticated enough for this. Maybe there is a side of objectivity in every subjective view. I just can't seem to grasp it. Maybe my reasoning is flawed and my thinking just undeniably primitive.

2006-04-04T22:25:00.000+10:00

Before I sleep, I would just like to say that the gig on Sunday is going to be at 8:30 and not 9:30 as previously published. Sorry dudes and dudettes... technical problems I think

And before I sleep I would just like to say that I love girlfriends! Last night was absolutely awesome because the girlfriend popped by unannounced with chai and a gorgeous card which really really made me happy.

This is the card:

I thought it was incredibly cute. Really her and pretty appropriate. I mean, I've always known that I'm a nerd. Or a dork. Whichever works.

Inside was the most beautiful message. Simple and unpretentious. Just plain bubbly and happy. Sigh. We ended up sitting outside in the courtyard late that night, sipping hot chai and just gossiping. Bah I'm such a girl.

2006-04-03T12:20:00.000+10:00

where do we start? i am afraid that as of late, my life has been consumed with trivial things. whenever i talk to people or to girlfriends, i don't talk to them about meaningful things anymore. what ends up to be the topic of conversation is well... boys. it kinda unnerves me.

at the risk of exposing too much, yesterday found the girlfriend and i at HolliAva in Richmond -- which i must say is a really really pretty place. highly recommended. what we were doing there was to meet the singer/guitarist who approached us at hell's kitchen the week before. it was a good night. lots of talking, sharing of funny stories, mini arguments, movie talk, music talk, etc. while i professed my love for electronica and chillout, they professed their love for radiohead and the eels.

mr singer was with a mate. and i remember my girl being fond of his quirkiness and his being part of a band too. as for mr singer, the girlfriend liked him because he has a good voice and his songs contain really intense lyrics. on top of that, he really is a nice guy. unassuming and not arrogant in any way whatsoever.

the problem is he messages me. calls me. and in one conversation one late friday night, he said that the reason why he came up to our table at hell's kitchen was because his pierced gay friend was pushing him to do so, and he was apparently thinking, "hey that girl's cute."

of course i assumed he was talking about the girlfriend. she's quite popular with the boys.

last night, when we were left alone while the girlfriend and his mate went out for a smoke, he looked at me and shyly told me that the "cute girl" he was referring to at hell's kitchen was me.

shocked as i was, i said, "weren't you talking about the girlfriend? absolutely everybody was hitting on her that night."

he shook his head and said, "she's not really my type. i don't really go for blondes."

and so i quickly tried to steer clear of what he said and agreed that i prefer dark-haired people myself, even though it can be true that blondes have all the fun.

after we all said our goodbyes and finally found ourselves at home, the girlfriend called and pretty much told me that she managed to squeeze it out of mr singer that he has a thing for me. i was...gobsmacked. and now i don't know what to do. because yes i do "like" him in the sense that he's nice to hang out with and he's got an incredible mind and a good voice. but ... i barely know him. i've only met him three times. and he's flying off to boston next year for a music scholarship (yes he's THAT talented) and god knows how long he's gonna be there.

why do i get myself stuck in positions like this?

well if anybody's curious, the singer is having a gig this sunday night (9 April) at The Evelyn. show starts at about 9:30. his psycho mate will hopefully be there, and the pierced gay guy with his boyfriend will be there as well. of course the girlfriend and chalyz will be there too. drop by if you're keen on hearing solo acoustic guitar music with original lyrics.

2006-03-26T22:22:00.000+11:00

Maybe tomorrow we'll find
A taste for the old day's hard lessons we've left behind

Last night
he spilled his heart out and I sat there listening.
Dislike seeped through my ears.
I couldn't believe I could do it.
Hitting a brick wall
Finding out that there really is nothing of interest in a hollow shell.

Emotions piled high.
Encounters with people
with words of vile.
People who make others believe such things.
I felt harassed. Annoyed.
So with ants in their pants,
and honey dripping from their lips
I closed my ears and willed the night away.

So at Hell's Kitchen
amidst the smoke, the drinks, and the usual drunken men,
a boy approached us with a crazy request
"I have a gig tomorrow," he said. "I promise to be more sober then."
We went and with our names on his lips
he started playing with all that intensity.
She almost cried; I was completely taken
She was smitten.

He gave us copies of his music
Numbers were exchanged
His friends were confident we'd see each other again:
"I don't remember a lot of people,
but I remember both of you from Hell's Kitchen."
His friend said it easily,
the piercing on his tongue and chin moving with his mouth.
I was too busy wondering if it hurt to speak.

The night ended with a chocolate pizza
And a lot of agonizing over what happened the night before.
We comforted ourselves
with ideas of pyjamas and cozy nights.
Blankets that embraced us in their silence.
Sleep has flown away
But maybe its arrival will bring momentary relief.
Finding life in dreams
Albeit brief, fleeting, and completely void of reality.

2006-03-25T13:48:00.000+11:00

( Before I start, a big thank you to Sway for bringing me to Strange Fruit, The Bomba, The Fly By Night performance, and the Fish along the Yarra River!
And to Dyzfunck for showing me how to save money in photocopying! )

My girl's so funny. First thing in the morning and this is what happens:

Me: I had a dream that you met Vic last night and you fell in love with him! Imagine!
Her: Is Vic indian? Cos lastnite i dreamt i was dating an indian who decided 2 tell me then in the dream that yes he did want 2do me anal! I blame Russel Peters!

Lol. That message got me laughing like a mad woman. To those who aren't familiar with Russell Peters, check him out here. He is hilarious.

Of course it doesn't help that Karma by Lloyd Banks is playing in the background. What is up with all these... these... innuendos?!

2006-03-22T11:56:00.000+11:00

So tired. I'm not complaining that the days aren't long enough. I just don't seem to have enough energy. It's a paradox. Need to sleep, but at the same time, need to get stuff done. Is it possible to live without sleep and be efficient at the same time?
Also, dramas dramas. My gramps has cancer. People are breaking up right left and center. Is it breakup season?...
Another murder case has been opened. People's stories always amaze me. But what I have learned is sometimes distortion is needed to present a story of accuracy. Sometimes when a story is too clean, it may come across as manufactured ... pre-empted ... fake ...

Someone said that honesty is good. But only when it's exercised in an appropriate environment. Don't you agree?
My short-term wishlist in terms of career includes getting into the Equal Opportunity Commission Victoria. My longer-term goal (once again I reiterate) HOLDING REDLICH !! Argh I have never wanted to get into a place sooo much.
Lunch time.

2006-03-19T02:45:00.000+11:00

' So, let go,let go...Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right cuz
There's beauty in the breakdown... '

I have too many thoughts to keep at bay. I'm afraid I make people feel unwanted even when I don't mean to...

"According to the law of rhythm, which is the fundamental law of the universe, death alternates with life in the same way that waking and sleeping do -- being alive and being dead are just two poles of the unbroken stream of life. So death was not unbeing but the opposite pole from being. When you die, you cross the boundary between two worlds, this one and the next. For the person who enters the next world, the next world becomes this world and our world becomes the next world for him until such a time as he again returns to it.

Birth, the arrival in our world and hence the departure from that other, astral world, is regarded there as death. The speaker deduced that the soul brought with it from past lives a hidden memory and a knowledge which in this world takes the form of talent or curiosity. The lecturer talked of experiments in which patients had apparently been induced to recall not only what they had felt in their mother's womb, but also the life of their soul in the other world before their latest reincarnation. He even went so far as to speculate on the probable length of time between successive incarnations (apparently the period is getting shorter all the time and now lasts scarcely ten years) and whether a change of sex is possible in the process.

While I try to keep an open mind as regards the fate of the human soul during this life and after it, and am fully aware that Scripture expects not only the return of Jesus Christ but even the Prophet Elijah, and that we all believe in the resurrection of the body, which assumes the continued existence of the soul beyond our world, I couldn't rid myself of the unpleasant feeling that I was listening to a charlatan."

Why I am so madly deeply in love with Ivan Klima...

I must be dreaming or
We're onto something
Hey just watcha make me for
I don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming or
Pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as I'm losing it so completely ...

2006-03-16T22:08:00.000+11:00

point.one. human beings have an inalienable right to invent themselves; when that right is pre-empted, it is called brainwashing.

Last night before the VulgarGrad started playing, I messaged the guy who recommended the band to me, saying, "We're here but they're not playing yet!" He became anxious. Perhaps he was worried that I had to change my plans and go out of my way to get to The Old Bar just to see VulgarGrad. Finally he got there and as soon as he did, the band started playing. I was chatting to a girlfriend when he approached with that tilt in his head. He asked me what took the band so long to start and I suggested that maybe they wanted to keep us in suspense. "But never fear," I said. "You came just right on time."

He smiled. And then said one of the most unforgettable things in the world. "Great artists can make things happen."

Today I chatted with a woman who are good friends with the lead singer of VulgarGrad. They are actually not Russian criminals (in fact the lead singer's Polish). But they sing Russian criminal songs -- songs that are now very popular with the Russian mafia. They talk about hard labor, anarchy, and everything else that prisoners would usually sing about in prison. Heh.

This woman is going for an audition tomorrow for an upcoming play inspired by the assault and detention of feminist and anarchist Germaine Greer. She hopes to play the part of a young mother who hates being a mother, and therefore goes to her mother in order to whine that she's "destined to do a living" that she's never good at.

Sad isn't it, to know that you have been permanently chained to something you don't like.

------------
point.two. The good thing about life is that it makes us experience the beauty and wonder of creation. Because of life, we are able to express ourselves, even our frustrations...

Men can be either be funny or flirty sometimes. Two statements that occurred in the last 24 hours:

Him1: You look amazing. The world is your oyster. Nothing can hold you back. Well, except for your dancing. You might want to work on that a bit.

And the next:

Him2: i keep meetn filipinos out here.. jus met a lad called faizal on friday (he's a muslim convert), he's so short.. more than u are! mad!
Me: Oh whatever. I think it's a sign that you're destined to be with a Filipino, whether or not its a he or she!
Him2: lol..which means it could be your short ass too huh! ;-) how you been? y u quit tryna halla at the boy? u know i miss u boo!

People say things for the sake of saying things. All the time.

------------
point.three. Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate.

Today we talked about love and why people love for the wrong reasons. Women fall in love with their ears, I said. If someone wrote to me the way Oscar Wilde writes, I would fall in love with him even if he was a poof.

A poof, he laughed. Well, Chalyz, I must say that we mix in very different circles. The women I meet fall in love with security, looks, and the mind. A friend of mine is married to a scientist and she loves him dearly. But he's not witty or even funny.

Well, you gotta love someone for something, I said. Although I must admit, that's just the wrong reason for loving someone.

Oh I agree.

------------
point.four. The world is filled mostly with charlatans. People who claim to know. People who are convinced that their perceptions are infallible. Our histories create blind eyes. Our backgrounds cause us not to see certain things. Sometimes it is the absence of this vision that makes us believe our judgments are accurate when in fact they're not.

Le monde est a vous.

2006-03-16T06:48:00.000+11:00

The VulgarGrad -- a band of supposed Russian criminals -- is a must see and a must hear with its songs of alcohol, betrayal and revenge. I don't claim to understand Russian (for all I know the lead singer could've been swearing at us all along) but never have I seen a crowd so roused before. The music is amazing. The crowd extremely happy and, of course, amusing.

Understandable and unforgettable lines include: "You're my horse and I'm your cowboy" and "I'm an alcoholic! And a dickhead!" sung over and over again. It sounds like drunk music, with the occasional "I love you Mama and Papa" stint. Imagine these English words sung with a thick husky Russian accent. And when I say husky, I mean,... hoarse. The type that pirates on TV have when they go "Arrrrrr!"

Catch the VulgarGrad at The Old Bar in Johnston Street every Wednesday night for until the end of this month. They start playing between 9:30 to 10 and end at around 11:30. There is a $4 entry fee and coffee is appalling. But hey, as the Old Bar's slogan would say, Conserve water. DRINK BEER!

It's worth the trip and the experience. I guarantee you will not be disappointed :)

2006-03-13T17:01:00.000+11:00

a text message exchange that brought a smile to my lips:

Me: i tried spud bar and loved it! contrary to what you said, i finished the whole spud lol.
Him: your sms brought tears to my eyes, of joy of course. once you do camberwell market my job will be almost done.
Me: your plan for world domination is under way. lead more people to spud bar and camberwell and they will fall at your feet!
Him: i'd give up world domination to share a muffin and a russ meyer film with you!!
Me: lol i'd rather have caramel popcorn and jacques tati!

for me, there is really nothing more unattractive than bigotry. that, and shyness. hehe.

2006-03-11T18:52:00.000+11:00

i don't know about you but i realized that my fondness of songs seem to stem from the pleasure factor of a moment. the nicer the moment is, the more i like the song.

i suppose that's why i'm currently in dire lust of the Ali soundtrack.

CHALYZ'S CURRENT LOVE LIST :

Spud Bar
the Berry Nice drink at Time Out cafe (crushed raspberries and blueberries with soda water and blood orange juice)
The Secret Life of Oscar Wilde
Sex and the City
Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate.

Chalyz's love list does not include cricket. But it does include my Fanny and her partner Willy.

my fanny and her posse

These are the people who keep me indoors on Friday nights to watch cricket. Imagine. Cricket. Oh god. I fell asleep after watching a mere 5 minutes of it. Is it even considered a sport?

2006-03-10T10:06:00.000+11:00

how often do our beliefs influence our reality? i remember telling a story over and over again until i ended up accepting its truth. it wasn't a story anymore. it was a happening. a past event. i clung onto it for rhetoric's sake. and until now i don't know if i can let it go.

bu believed his beliefs turned his reality around. how you perceive yourself can manifest itself through your actions, which then causes a chain reaction in the way other people see you as well. weaknesses can be overlooked if you yourself are willing to overlook it too. but the refusal to acknowledge the existence of one's shortcomings is a different story...

The Silent Prison at Port Arthur

hello world. the purposeful life is slowly catching up to me. encountering people of different sorts has made me realize even more how lonely this world can be. hang onto your friends, your family, the people you love and cherish because life will not warn you when it decides to take them away. i suppose that's why i've been feeling pretty reminiscient as of late. there are times that i find myself wishing for the people who disappeared from my life to come back. they left not because of anything apart from life. it's a journey. and we all have our own paths to take.

the what-ifs and the what-could-have-beens -- they've turned me into this person who places a lot of significance in fleeting moments. i don't know if that's necessarily a bad thing. perhaps it's made me a drama queen. but life is life. and a part of my life is to let the people i cherish feel how much i appreciate them.

my drama queen tendencies are kicking in again. and so to close, i leave you with an excerpt of a poem written by Bosie Douglas. beautiful in its prose... the meaning of which you may not wish to know. but take it as it is because it breathes magic, temptation, and then forbidden dreams...

'Tell me why, sad and sighing, thou dost rove
These pleasant realms? I pray thee, speak me sooth
What is thy name?' He said 'My name is Love.'
Then straight the first did turn himself to me
And cried: 'He lieth, for his name is Shame,
But I am Love, and I was wont to be
Alone in this fair garden, till he came
Unasked by night; I am true Love, I fill
The hearts of boy and girl with mutual flame.'
Then sighing said the other: 'Have thy will,
I am the Love that dare not speak its name.'

2006-03-01T22:54:00.000+11:00

Four years of law school has drained me of my creativity. The following have contributed to the i-don't-know-if-it's-sad ceasing of my ability to ... well... write :

The progressive lack of motivation to read fiction for leisure. This has been replaced by endless law stuff: cases, articles, and 220 repeats of the same thing (as said by the great barrister James).
The never ending essays. Here I'm taught to use big words. To write logically. Rationally. To think things through before putting them down on paper. And what is the first step to creativity? To get rid of the censors that operate in your brain. Write as freely as you can. Like the wind!
The exhaustion of life, therefore stopping me from thinking about life! Usually I'm too tired to brood over something. So I lie down on the couch, watch Sex and the City, and hopefully doze off.
The lack of sleep. Insomniac, that I am.

I'm sure my fellow law students (ie Dyzfunk and Am) all feel the same way. Five thousand word essays and countless readings are no laughing matter. We are nerds. No wait. I am a nerd.

: : :

I have just admitted that I am a nerd. And I have never disliked nerds. Ever. But there is this one guy in my equity class who is a big time nerd and who annoys the heck outta me. It's the way he talks. The way he tries to make himself come across as so smart and confident and yet you know he's a nerd (ie a loser)! ARGH!

: : :

For the Innocence Project, we've been assigned to investigate two murder cases and one other case which I haven't looked through yet. One of them involves ballistics. More stuff about guns! Should be interesting.

Oh and our team name? GATTO. (google it!) Other teams are the Williams and the Morans. Yup we're the Melbourne mafia.

Now indulge my nerdy side. The barrister who we work with told us this maxim that really hit a spot: "The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence."

Just cuz nothing shows that you've been there doesn't mean you haven't been there. !

: : :

Tonight was the first night at DEAC. Worked with a barrister in interviewing this man suffering from social phobia and general anxiety. He was basically claiming that a certain university has discriminated against him because of his disability. Why, he doesn't know. He contradicts himself all the time. Gets all jittery. Wants chocolate. Doesn't know what exactly he wants to result from lodging the complaint. Doesn't even know what he's complaining about apart from "They did a lot of stuff to me."

It was frustrating. Extremely. Mr Barrister looked very burnt out. And I just wanted to wring the answers out of Mr Social Phobic. Oh god. We'll see how he goes on his next visit.

: : :

To end the nerdy phase, this morning I took a nap and dreamt that I was dreaming but I kept trying to wake up from the dream. So in my dream, I dreamt around ten times and tried to wake up ten times...only to wake up in the end and realize that everything was just a dream.

OK I'm tired.

2006-02-25T22:37:00.000+11:00

Begging your pardon for the tiny photo. I hate them too...

[ listening to Fast Cars by Tracy Chapman ]

Today has been a rainy hail-y day. I sat in front of the computer contemplating suicide because of an essay when ice started pouring in and onto my table. The rain was mad. I looked up just in time to see chunks of ice click against my seventh-floor window. Talk about crazy weather.

But today was a good day. And so was yesterday. And the day before. Tiring but good.

I realized that I was/am so much happier when I feel like I have purpose in my life. That's how I feel right now. As if somehow I'm helping the community. Innocence. DEAC. It might be a quasi-my-life-has-meaning feeling but it's there... And I'm really happy. In that quiet content way.

I've realized that should I decide to practice law in the near future, I might go to Victoria Legal Aid first, but ultimately I would want to get into Holding Redlich. I'm dreaming too much already, I know. But...I don't know. I'm realizing more and more that this is what I want to do. There's no point pretending to be interested in something that you're not. For years I've tried. I wanted to be the perfect daughter. Someone into business and economics and making money. But I really don't and can't see myself like that. There's no joy for me. No meaning. So here I am...

I know my posts have been less frequent. And they've become so much more un-creative. Perhaps I'm growing up and learning to say things the way they are without trying to create magic. Who knows indeed. Maybe life has already taken me by the hand and I'm trying to set my priorities straight. I'm not getting any younger. And the world isn't getting any better. Maybe my dream of creating a difference (albeit small) can still come true.

Well yesterday, I officially signed a confidentiality agreement with the Innocence Project. We were given keys to the Project Office, the case files, and come Monday we start assessing cases that have applied to the Project for further investigation. Then before that we were taught more about DNA fingerprinting and testing, and of course, forensic ballistics. GUNS. And how to pick out evidence in a shootout situation. Interesting stuff. Now I know the difference between an automatic and a semi-automatic lol.

Here's an excerpt left by the forensic ballistic expert which I thought was pretty good:
"I can't believe that!" said Alice.

"Can't you?" the Queen said in a pitying tone. "Try again, draw a long breath, and shut your eyes."

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things."

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."
Alice in Wonderland
Lewis Carroll

Our belief in impossible things may be perceived as futile. But sometimes they're all we have. And just because they seem so far away doesn't mean there's no point in trying to reach them.

2006-02-20T16:17:00.000+11:00

sleep continues to escape me amidst my lack of energy to either write or do anything else. so here i am again trying to string a line of thoughts together. it's been another full on day.

today was the first day of Innocence. the lead prosecutor of the DPP of Victoria came to speak to us. we were shown videos and told stories of wrongful convictions. and it's really scary how trails of errors occur all pointing to one direction even though that direction may be completely wrong.

i'm starting to feel even more and more disillusioned about the whole system. the criminal justice system is structured in a way that assumes its infallibility. perhaps there are a lot of things to take into account. but even when heavy scientific evidence that seem to point towards innocence are presented before the court, it is disregarded and the person is left to rot in jail because ultimately, the people up there do not want the citizens to lose faith in the system... or because the people up there have further political ambitions. the boat isn't rocked even when it's supposed to. the mantra that it ain't over till the hot momma sinks isn't so true. the truth doesn't always set you free.

wednesday will be a day full of information about scientific testing such as DNA and more stuff on criminal and litigation procedures. the project looks like a lot of work but i hope i'll be able to devote enough time to at least contribute to the exoneration of a person. i'm not expecting to free him/her this semester...but i hope i'll be able to at least make a signifcant difference in his/her case.

they say the rewards in getting involved with social justice aren't so high. but i think the punishments of not doing something amidst all that injustice are even higher. seeing how things unfold...how people think...how the accuseds are beaten or punished for their supposed guilt...it's scary. it could happen to you. to me. to anyone. just one sentence uttered can be taken as a confession and that person can be sent to prison...or even death. even when that person doesn't know the victim. even when that person has absolutely nothing to do with the crime.

hope is something i've only recently discovered again. and when hope is taken away from a person, that's pretty much the same as asking him to stop breathing.

i'd rather die than live incarcerated knowing that innocence can be perceived as completely irrelevant. it's hard to change history i know. but i always thought that the truth must, and has, always been given more weight than this...

2006-02-17T10:48:00.000+11:00

Hello world. The past few days have been rather hmm intense if I may say the least. I was happy because I got to speak to Sway, Vanessa, Eeps (albeit briefly), Kitty, Tina (a girl really close to my heart), Davinia, and a few others who uplift me constantly.

My apologies go out to Chinoise, Goimon and Genius for not replying to emails sooner. I'm sorry guys :( It doesn't mean I don't love yous. Just that things are catching up to me. But yous are always in my thoughts.

What is there to say? I am still trying to gear myself back to study mode because I can already foresee a semester of nothing but hardwork, especially with my involvement in The Innocence Project just around the corner. And because of that, I have decided to quit a job that I just started so that I can focus on the things that matter. That means I have to sacrifice my plans for going to Shanghai (or Cairo...whichever gets more credit toward my degree) this June for lack of finance. And I am a bit disappointed yes. I mean, who wouldn't wanna go see great pyramids and study law in a different country even for just a few weeks? (OK so I am referring to Cairo. But hey, anything for the Innocence right?)

To other news, it's really strange how things turn out. A few days ago I met a bunch of people and when I was introduced as "You all know Chalyz right?", one of the guys replied, "Everybody knows Chalyz."

And I thought it was a really strange thing to say. I am not Miss Popular or Miss Superstar after all.

Last night I was told funny animal stories with morals. Morals such as, "The person who gives you shit isn't exactly your enemy. The person who takes you out of shit isn't really your friend. And when you're in deep shit, you better keep your mouth shut."

And here I am supposed to be curbing my language. From this day on I will (again) not swear anymore...even unconsciously.

2006-02-15T20:06:00.000+11:00

"If you are a twentieth century artist like Warhol, and you want to do landscape painting, if you want to paint what is out there, you will infringe on someone else’s copyright, because the environment is so polluted with protected imagery."

Cardozo Arts & Entertainment

i know i sound like a nerd. but darn the future is stressing me out.

but hey on other news. for valentines day i received an origami rose. i thought it was a sweet gesture. definitely something different.

belated happy valentines day!

2006-02-05T20:33:00.000+11:00

| one five |
there are fifteen foods to make you beautiful: Garlic - Parsley - Blackberries - Prunes - Broccoli - Paw Paw - Salmon - Capsicums - Spinach - Flaxseed - Walnuts - Avocadoes - Tofu - Olive Oil - & Oats.

after buying this magazine from Tassie, i came home to a house filled with prunes, oats, flaxseed, avocadoes, and lots of walnuts.

| one three |
earlier on my doctor told me that we talk only to the people we think are interesting. that, in turn, is a manifestation of the ego because it is a form of judgment. then he lent me the book The Secret Life of Oscar Wilde. told me how naughty it was. and that i won't be able to put the book down.

so he wrote, "Life's aim, if it has one, is simply to be always looking for temptations. There are not nearly enough of them."

i've never agreed with his thoughts, but i've always thought he was a genius. i have yet to look for my temptations.

| average |
i begrudge those who i think put themselves before anything or anybody else. i begrude those who i think judge me when in fact, i have already passed judgment on those who i assumed have judged me. i think this is why i have to get away from those who have become too familiar with me. for them, i have become predictable. and because i'm predictable, judgment is passed.

Caro Diario ... it's tough to know exactly what the future holds. Everyday expression is suppressed. Everyday I am faced with question after question after question.

2006-01-31T20:00:00.000+11:00

Her: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
Her: A lawyer.
(pause)
Her: (smiles)
Her: Work in an abattoir. Marry a boyfriend who's a bastard. Churn out the kids. Work. And wait for menopause. Or caaancer...

2006-01-27T15:53:00.000+11:00

My anthem. Everybody download it. Please.

T w e n t y s o m e t h i n g

Jamie Cullum

After years of expensive education,
a car full of books and anticipation,
I'm an expert on Shakespeare and that's a hell of a lot
but the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.

Maybe I'll go travelling for a year,
finding myself or start a career.
I could work for the poor though I'm hungry for fame
we all seem so different but we're just the same.

Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat,
aren't things more easy with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers? Who do you trust?
I can't even separate love from lust.

Maybe I'll move back home and pay off my loans,
working nine to five answering phones.
Don't make me live for my friday nights,
drinking eight pints and getting in fights.

I don't want to get up, just let me lie in,
leave me alone, I'm a twenty something.

Maybe I'll just fall in love that could solve it all,
philosophers say that that's enough,
there surely must be more. Ooooh

Love ain't the answer nor is work,
the truth eludes me so much it hurts.
But I'm still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.

doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah

I'm a twenty something.
Let me lie in,
Leave me alone.

I'm a twenty something.

2006-01-26T14:18:00.000+11:00

an excerpt of an essay sent to me by the great Genius ...

Teachers in particular all seemed to believe implicitly that work was
not fun. Which is not surprising: work wasn't fun for most of them.
Why did we have to memorize state capitals instead of playing
dodgeball? For the same reason they had to watch over a bunch of kids
instead of lying on a beach. You couldn't just do what you wanted.
Paul Graham

How true is that??

Bloody 40-degree day.

2006-01-25T09:25:00.000+11:00

everybody

wake up

. enjoy the heat. take in the day. we must learn to live in spite of everything.

2006-01-24T02:35:00.000+11:00

2006-01-22T20:45:00.000+11:00

Take me as you are
Push me off the road
The sadness I need this time to be with you...

I am just another girl in love with literature. All those days of sugar and sunshine have caught up with me. I find myself paying for it with my health. And I'm tired. Of this heat. Of this lack of inspiration. Of this realization that perhaps everything was just lies.

It's tough to live without affirmation. Sometimes I believe I need to learn the act of knowing the truth without the need for people to tell me that it is the truth.

I should learn to see silence as a friend. Just because something isn't heard, or seen, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

But what if ... something isn't felt?

You didn’t ask me why
I never would have known
Oblivion is falling down...

2006-01-18T16:12:00.001+11:00

The silence I attribute to my never ending health issues, work, and...well, health issues. My mind has not been functioning as well. And I find it hard to string my thoughts. But things are still fine. Hopefully life will start looking up soon.

2005-12-25T01:22:00.000+11:00

Hello journalers. Life has been chaotic. I woke up this morning and realized it was almost Christmas. And so here I am with the warmest wishes to each and everyone of you. Have a most blessed Christmas, a wonderful new year, and may all your dreams and wishes come true. I have not forgotten anybody (though I know my comments have been rare). Bear with me. Health issues have been kicking in again. I love you all and I wish you all the very best.

Much love. Much kisses. And much much wishes.

Merry Christmas :)

2005-12-16T23:22:00.001+11:00

| if i am right |
I used to think I can pull it off alone but now I'm not so sure. I realized that I need love to live. All my talk about independence could've stemmed from the fact that I always had people around. After all, we always take what we have for granted. And so I told the world that I grow sick of certain people. That permanence frightens me. But perhaps, the ephemeral leaves me hollow and aching for more.

| if i can be |
Have words left me? Why do I struggle for those particles of letters to form my thoughts? Have all those years of practicing empty verbosity taken its toll on the way I string my ideas? I write as if there was no pretense and yet falsity is spread all over the page. Whoever said straightforwardness was clear cut and plain straightforward?

| deemed beyond salvation |
Something of notice. Judgmental people are usually those who grew up in closed worlds. Where there is only one set of proper behavior. Where there is only one "real" way of living. Simplistic, perhaps. But my mind sometimes makes sense of the world through simple generalizations.

| judged to be unworthy |
Ivan Klima wrote

The promise of eternal life also had a powerful effect. The moment we are freed from the clutches of death, from the law which binds all living things without exception, our entire being acquires a different perspective. The anxiety felt by every beast being led to the slaughter, or maybe even by the fly caught in the spider's web, is banished or at least attenuated.

Today someone passed away.

| of your devotion |
I went to see an old teacher. She was 92 years old. Almost blind and practically deaf. She kissed me on the cheek and placed me under the light so she could see my face. She said I should not forget my technique. That I should continue to paint with sound.

I squeezed her hand -- filled with warmth by her and the thought that I was once taught by a maestro...

I saw my grandfather today. He was frail and very thin. We brought food to him. I asked him how he was and he told me he was very old. He has been alive since the Chinese Revolution. He has outlived most of his friends. And today, another passed away.

2005-12-13T13:50:00.000+11:00

How is it possible to compete with light? Or darkness? Or whichever that appears to be a rarity? Perhaps it's a competition imposed upon the self. No one expects anybody to enter, but standards must be lived up to. And participants must conform to these standards lest they be silently frowned upon.

I once felt what it was like to be rare. To be as exotic as something from the Orient Sea. I was told that I was beautiful. By airport security. By a Brazilian waxer. By a gay black man. He twirled me around by the hand, and breathlessly said, "Honey I'm paying you a compliment." I smiled at him and told him he was beautiful.

I think I'm reliving moments again. I almost forgot about this one. When I was still with him, he'd drive by outside my place and honk three times just to let me know that he was passing by. I'd run to the window to catch a glimpse of the car that ensconsed the love of my life then. Sometimes he'd roll down his window to wave at me and I'd be filled with warmth. Happy just in the knowledge of him. And the fact that he was there.

Sometimes he made me want to sing. I'd dream of melodies so beautiful they wouldn't even compare to him. My emotions would gush out my soul. My feelings would wrap me in their embrace. And I soared to the point that coming down didn't seem possible.

How strange it is that I no longer feel that way for anything or anyone in particular. Is it life? My passion lives in certain substances. I am crippled without music. Numb without words. And dead without love.

I am still alive though it is a different form of existence. The love that I share is different from that which used to make my heart beat. I find joy in the smallest things; goodness in the smallest gestures. And they're what makes my days brighter. My skies clearer. And my seas, ever calm and green.

2005-12-06T16:35:00.001+11:00

| 1641 |

what is there to say except that the process of domestication starts when you realize that you prefer to stay at home and watch tv or listen to the radio rather than go out. when you want to clean the house and prefer to cook rather than get takeaway. when you find yourself noticing small things such as tiny spots on the walls and you instantly reach for the cleaner to wipe it off before it drives you nuts.

today i'm attempting to make strawberry butter cake. it's baking inside the oven as i ~~speak~~ type.

| 1650 |

beauty lies within and without. behind the most enchanting smile may lie the most wonderful soul.

i love my girls. my friends, my family... they make me feel as if there is nothing else in the world i need.

2005-12-05T14:22:00.000+11:00

| compass bent, we got lost
opened up Pandora's box
uncharted territory
we're heading for a stormy sea |

sometimes it's the thought of letting people see through you that holds you back from showing who you really are. it's the anxiety of having them form an opinion of you based on what they perceive are your strengths and weaknesses. it's the fear of being predictable. of having someone say "oh yes she'll do that" or "she'll be too hesitant to take that task on." and so you stay back. maintain that aloof air. hoping to be someone that always has something new to tell. not realizing that sometimes it's what makes people stay away. or wonder. or not draw close to you. because sometimes it's when you bare your soul that people fall in love.